The Taste Bud: Which Must Go? Those Stupid Memes Must Go

Oh shut up. Courtesy of some doofus on the Internet

Why are memes trying to run my life? I’m serious. Memes are trying to tell me what to do and what to eat, and I’m done with it.

You’ve seen these stupid things. There will be four or more types of food, and the meme insists, “You Can Only Keep One” or “One Has to Go” or “You Have to Give Up One For Life.”

Can I ask a counter-question? Who the hell is supposedly forcing me to make such a ridiculous choice, and why??? Look, if my doctor tells me I have high cholesterol and I need to lay off eggs, that’s one thing; but if my ex-co-worker, who I haven’t seen in person in six years, posts a meme on Facebook and tells me I have to give up either potatoes or Peeps candy or something ridiculous like that, I’m not listening. And I hate Peeps candy.

Take the one pictured above, for instance. My first response to that is, “You can keep all that garbage.” Seriously, am I 15? Who really eats freezer-section corn dogs? Or Banquet TV dinners, for chrissakes? I didn’t know those things were still being made — as in, if I found one in my grocery’s freezer section, I would assume it had been sitting there since 1981. And how in the hell did some strawberry shortcake product get mixed in with cheap ramen noodles and frozen burritos? It makes no sense.

I think what bothers me aside from this external and random compulsion to give up something for no apparent reason is the immediate annoyance at being thrust into a theoretical quandary against my will. When I was a kid, I had a friend who was constantly dealing in these kinds of idiotic theoretical situations. It was maddening.

“Seriously, isn’t life complicated enough without being forcibly and suddenly thrust into a culinary Sophie’s Choice situation in which you’re being strong-armed into an existential conundrum involving Chips Ahoy and Nutter Butter?”

“Would you eat a tarantula for a million dollars?”, he would ask. Sure. “What about $500,000?” And then he would try to whittle you down to the exact cutoff at which you would no longer accept a penny less to eat a theoretical tarantula. (BAND NAME: Theoretical Tarantulas. Sorry.) It would come to this idea that I would eat a big, hairy spider for $836,544, but not for $836,543.

“It’s only a dollar!” he would crow. “You wouldn’t eat it for just a dollar less???” Then if you relented that you would do it for a dollar less, he would say, “What about $836,542? Would you eat a spider for that??” God, I wanted to punch him sometimes. Come to think of it, maybe he’s the one creating all these memes. If so, then I want to punch him now, too.

But I digress.

Another aspect of these memes that I hate is the simple fact that my brain, as soon as I see them, starts trying to make a choice. Such memes are playing on this innate instinct we have to categorize and rank, and I hate the fact that I am not intellectually above such things. Oh, do I like Totino’s pizza rolls better than frozen burritos? Apparently, I do. So what do I get rid of for the rest of my life? Oh, wait … DAMMIT.

By then, you’re already fished in, and that annoys me. Seriously, isn't life complicated enough without being forcibly and suddenly thrust into a culinary Sophie’s Choice situation in which you're being strong-armed into an existential conundrum involving Chips Ahoy and Nutter Butter?

But circling back, it really is mostly about the question of, Who Is Forcing Me to Choose? Who? And why? If I’m told I have to give up either beer, pizza, tacos or wings, I’m going to immediately ask who and why. And then I’m going to continue enjoying them anyway, if not to make a point then for spite. I don’t understand why this is even a thing. Who is so bored that they are creating these idiotic memes? And why do they hate their fellow human beings so much? Shouldn’t these memes be the ones to go away forever?

So go ahead, share those memes if you must. But I’m not giving up any of my favorite foods for you or your meme. And there’s a good chance I already unfollowed you on social media anyway. Which is to say I kept the pizza, tacos, beer and wings and decided to give up you.