Classic Content: I’m Too Ugly to Go to the Fillies and Stallions Party

This is not an actual photo of Fillies and Stallions, but it will have to do. Because I can’t go. Wikimedia Commons

It was 2016 when I realized I am too ugly to be admitted into the annual Derby Eve Fillies and Stallions Party. It’s the exclusive shindig that attracts celebrities, influencers and models each year. You know the type — the decidedly-not-me type. So, I wrote this piece. If you’re interested in hearing a tune by my band, I also wrote this song about a similar topic. (And for the record, I no longer want to meet Aaron Rodgers.)

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I didn’t get my invitation to the Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party again this year. Again. I sent in my picture and everything. I feel like I said all the right things in my application, too. I dished on how awesome it is to go to parties and how totally awesome the Kentucky Derby is. But still no invitation.

Heck, all I want to do is meet Green Bay Packers stallion Aaron Rodgers. Is that so much to ask? Well, and I also want to eat a bunch of those peel and eat shrimp with that red sauce. Mmm.

Maybe my information got lost in the mail. Hey, it happens.

Maybe I’m just too hairy, or too old. And hey, I understand that if it’s your party, you can invite whomever you want; if I throw a Derby shindig one day, I guarantee I won’t be inviting Justin Bieber. He probably wouldn’t show anyway.

But geez, man, the Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party takes the word “exclusive” to startling extremes. Not only do you have to submit an application to be invited, your application must be accompanied by a photograph of yourself and reviewed, presumably, by a panel of way-awesome Maxim models – that’s a tall order.

Watch the video to see what I missed out on in 2016.

The party began when a couple of buddies who love attending the Kentucky Derby – Steven Marshall of BlackRock Stables and Noah Flom – hit it big on an exacta with MineThatBird in 2009. They reportedly won more than a cool mill on the bet and decided to create an event to draw more attention to the Derby.

That’s a cool story. But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re not invited. Why? Well, because like me, you’re probably just too ugly. No offense – hey, I think we look fabulous. But we’re not quite fabulous enough.

Recent guests at the party, which is in its fourth year, in addition to the aforementioned Rodgers, include celebrities like Erin Andrews, the Dos Equis guy, Ashton Kutcher, Lindsay Vonn, Clay Matthews, Wes Welker, Shaquille O’Neil, Dr. J, Scottie Pippen, Travis Tritt, Sidney Crosby, Bobby Flay and Nick Lachey.

How do you like that? Not one cast member from the TV show “The Big Bang Theory.” (Maybe Johnny Galecki is always busy that night.)

I should have gone to the “casting call” for the Maxim-sponsored bash. That was on April 18. The casting call was for "hopeful attendees," since, you know, there are no Fillies and Stallions tickets available to the general public. They were looking for “Fun, Beautiful, Fit Models with Outgoing Personalities to Work One of the Biggest Events of the Year, ‘The Maxim Party’ Kentucky Derby!”

The event said, “If you think you have what it takes to be a Maxim Model we want to see you at one of our casting calls coming up!”

I didn’t go, though, because I was busy breaking all the mirrors in my house that night, which is unfortunate, because I was actually having a pretty good hair day, despite my twin calics (or “cow-licks,” as my grandparents used to call them).

Also, recommended attire for the casting call was a “tight fitting, two-piece outfit,” and my old gym shorts from high school were in the wash. They’re the tightest outfit I have.

But I find it interesting that apparently a large amount of the “guests” at this party will be paid actors. These aren’t just hotties, they’re well-paid, imported hotties. So, if you get a girl’s digits at this party and call her the industry-standard three days later, will you reach a modeling agency’s answering machine?

Whatever, this party is total swank. Margaritas will flow like wine. The place will bubble over with sass and effortless cool. There will also be a 40-foot-long red carpet and more paparazzi than you can shake a stick at. I’m sure a fun time will be had by all who attend.

The party [was] Friday, May 1, at Mellwood Arts Center, 10 p.m.-3 a.m. Unfortunately, it looks like I won’t be going again this year. But according to the official Facebook event, if you’re a female and you think you’re hot enough to get in, you can e-mail your photo to Info@FilliesAndStallions.com. Hey, anything is possible when you’re not ugly.

If you do get in, tell Aaron Rodgers I said “hi.” And save me some shrimp.