Classic Content: Who’s Idea Was That, Anyway?
Someone thought this was a good idea.
This is an early Brain Fart I wrote for LEO Weekly, way back in January 2001, when it was still called Louisville Eccentric Observer. Hard to believe I got through this without mentioning the oyster. Seriously, who was the first person to see an oyster and think, “That' looks good. I think I’ll eat it.” How hungry was that dude? Anyway, enjoy the look back.
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I watched the Super Bowl on Sunday. I had to, because NFL football is possibly the greatest thing ever.
But think about it: Who invented this sport? Wouldn’t it be easier just to have a civil war? I mean, seriously, the way those guys slam into each other, stomp on each other, gouge each other’s eyeballs and smack each other around, you’d think they were living out some kind of violent childhood fantasy because their siblings tortured them regularly when their parents were out of town.
And speaking of narcotics, who was the person that decided it would be enjoyable to dry out plants, roll them in paper, light them on fire and inhale the fumes into their lungs? What the hell? I’m serious here: SOMEONE HAD TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO DO THIS. Was this some kind of prehistoric fraternity prank that happened to catch on?
And how did they ultimately decide on tobacco? Did they have to weed out (sorry for the pun) lettuce, spinach, bay leaves and crabgrass first? Perhaps this is how they discovered the effects of marijuana – good old trial and error. Pity the poor idiot who was the first to smoke poison ivy. I bet that poor jerk was laid up for a month.
I do want to tip my hat to the guy who discovered beer (which is possibly even better than pro football), but how did it happen? Did he accidentally mix the grains he was intending to smoke with some sugar and water and accidentally leave it somewhere warm and dark for a couple of weeks? OK, and if that isn’t enough of a stretch, tell me by what logic he decided to DRINK the stuff. For crying out loud, beer wort, being encountered for the first time, cannot have been that attractive.
I mean, how long did it take most of us in high school to learn to like the taste of beer? Luckily, my dad was generous enough to share beer with me when I was a toddler, so by the time I was 12 I was a raging alcoholic. (By the way, I think all parents should do this.) But I can remember when I first started drinking it – I thought it sucked. I just wanted to drink it ’cause my dad was drinking it. (Think of it is a pre-peer pressure.)
I guess sex didn’t have to be invented, because that was originally intended for propagation of the species. But who invented the concept of anal sex? Good lord. What was the development cycle like on that one?
I have the same feelings about caviar. And Spam. And I’m really not sure why anyone would ever look at a chicken liver and see food, although they really do taste pretty good.
But don’t get me started on necrophilia. That must have come from the first game of “Truth or Dare.”
