April 1: Local man has to take five online surveys to read own mother’s obituary on Courier-Journal website

Buechel man battles C-J surveys to stalemate. Wikimedia Commons

For this installment, we travel back to 2016. This is all fictional, remember. Happy April 1.

* * *

Buechel resident Alan Schaeffer yesterday reported he was forced to take five online surveys before he could access his mother’s obituary on courier-journal.com, the website of The Courier-Journal.

Schaeffer’s mother, who had lived in Apopka, Fla., for the past 13 years since the death of Schaeffer’s father, apparently died peacefully in her sleep. Meanwhile, Schaeffer, 46 and a Humana claims legislation consultant, cursed fruitlessly at his HP laptop.

“I just wanted to see the obituary, take a screen capture, you know?” Schaeffer said. “The next thing I know, The Courier-Journal is demanding to know how many times per week I bathe my cocker spaniel.”

Schaeffer said he half-heartedly clicked a radio button – “I think I clicked ‘five times or more,’ but who knows?” – and instead of the obituary, another survey popped up asking him how often he is likely to go jogging.

“And the choices were vague, like ‘Not very often’ and ‘somewhat often,’” Schaeffer said. “What’s the difference? And the thing is, with my knee being the way it is, and the hours I spend working, I really don’t jog at all anymore. But that wasn’t even a choice. It was confusing.”

Soon, he was being grilled about how he spends his entertainment dollars on weekends and his dental hygiene habits.

“When they asked me how often I change my socks, that’s when it went too far,” Schaeffer said. “That stuff’s personal.”

At press time, Schaeffer reported a friend had e-mailed him a link to a Courier-Journal restaurant review, but Schaeffer was afraid to click on it.