April 1: Indiana Woman Still Talks About Time She Went to Louisville

The Comfy Cow ice cream from that magical day. Photo by Kevin Gibson

Looking back to 2014 with this entry which I wrote for the LEO Weekly Fake Issue. Again, this is purely for entertainment purposes.

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Jeffersonville, Ind., resident Amy Lance is still talking about that one time when she went to Louisville, her friends report.

“She’s 24 years old, she lives in Jeffersonville, and she’s been to Louisville once in her life,” said childhood friend Nicole Barnes. “Seriously, Amy? I go all the time. I love her, but she’s got some sort of social anxiety or something.”

Former boyfriend Tad Davidson said of Lance, “Yeah, we went out for, like, two months, but I use the term ‘going out’ very loosely. Once, I asked to take her to a Louisville Bats game, and she said, ‘I don’t like the crowds over there.’ How does she know about the crowds at Slugger Field? Hell, the only time it’s crowded is on dollar beer night. This was a Tuesday.”

And yet Lance tells anyone who will listen about the time she “went into the city.” Lance reportedly accompanied her mother, which whom she lives, to a specialist’s appointment downtown, after which the two “drove into the scenic Clifton neighborhood” for Comfy Cow ice cream.

“It was such a wonderful day,” Lance says, looking back with a wistful glint in her eye. “I only hope I get to experience it again someday.”

“Someday?” Barnes said. “I went over there on Thursday. Now there’s a Comfy Cow in Indiana; she may never leave her freaking zip code again at this rate.”

Barnes, a Clarksville resident who crosses the bridge “two or three times a month,” doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to go to Louisville, reasoning that “it’s just a river. I don’t get it. I have an aunt in J-town that hasn’t set foot in Indiana since 1977.”

At press time, Lance was wistfully posting pictures on Facebook of the Comfy Cow ice cream she had with her mother on that glorious day.